Is My Love... NOT GOOD Enough?

I know that we all have burdens to carry and issues to deal with. So many trials, so many problems and so many heartaches that we become so weak. But if you think God is punishing you. If you cursing and blaming God for all your miseries. Or worst, if you think God doesn't love you...

Think again.

How many times have you been pissed hearing your dumb friend who keeps loving and staying with her stupid boyfriend no matter how much he had hurt her? That you heard her complaining that she had enough (again) and saying that she would finally leave him. Then the next day, she's back in the arms of that bastard who keeps hitting her as if nothing happened. Maybe that dumb friend was me. Or most probably you're now thinking that that dumb friend was you.

I remembered my previous 10-year relationship. For me, he's the guy that a woman could ever ask for. He's humorous, smart, hardworking, diligent, lovable, caring, understanding and open-minded. He sees to it that he sees me every single day. No matter how far or how tired he was, he'll visit me or he'll pick me up using his motorcycle wherever part of the world I was. There's no distance between us. He attended all of my needs and gave all of my wants. He spoiled me. A LOT. Yet for those ten whole consecutive years he kept on cheating on me. He would lie, like a thousand creative lies. And whenever I caught him he would promised that he will never do it again and those promises will always be broken. And because of his continuous cheating I became unsure of myself. Am I not good enough? I became insecure. My self-esteem was very low. I had zero level of self-confidence that I regularly went to spas just to feel beautiful. Though he kept on cheating and hurting me, that guy was my everything. He was my strength. I became so dependent on him. I thought I could never live without him. I treated him like a god. With him, I feel invisible. No other people can hurt me. Even though my mom would not approve. But because I love him so much, I would fight anything for that love. I didn't care if my mom begged a lot. I didn't care about my mom's tears. For almost ten years I kept begging my mom, crying and even got angry with my own mom. Until finally, she gave in and accepted him.


But because I had very low self-esteem, my insecurities were eating me alive, I was so suspicious whenever he's out of my sight. I nagged all the time and got even more demanding of his time, I asked a lot of questions, I checked his cellphones time to time and he will be more shady and obviously lie. I really didn't have any peace of mind. We fought for a lot of petty things that I packed his belongings and send him out of the house. After a week I was making peace at him but he didn't want to anymore. Then one day, that guy whom I was fighting for, decided to left me. Telling me he's not returning. He said he's a fool. An animal. I should know everything of what he did to me. That I didn't deserve him. I was crying that night, I didn't care even I was sick. I was dizzy because I had a high fever that time. But I didn't care. I keep begging. But he denied me. 


Oh how so painful to be deserted. To be left alone. After all what I've done, why? Why he has to leave me? For weeks, I keep thinking what building will I jump on to kill myself? I don't want to feel the impact. So I might get drunk, real drunk before I jump. Or which area of our house will I put my rope to hang myself? I've been thinking those twisted thoughts every evening. And then one night I was alone in my own room, I had my last two options. How about a bottle of bleach or will a drug overdose be less painful? I was in deep sorrow, crying my heart out and keep asking, "Why? Why you have to leave me? I've been fighting for you for years. Is my love not good enough?"

And from out of nowhere, I instantly got this answer... "My child, my child, is my LOVE for you NOT GREAT enough?" And there I felt an embrace full of warmth. I felt that Love so great that I never felt before. I felt how much I was loved. But that time I was really puzzled what's going on. What am I feeling? What's going on? Before I could understand further, my mind filled with childhood memories, happy ones and very bitter ones, I was bullied all my childhood life and my family didn't know it by then, but I surpassed them all with just God on my side. I remember how much He had helped me to stand firm with those bullies and how much He keeps blessing me. But then what's this? I can also feel His pain. Great pain. As if God made me feel that He was also hurting to watch me suffering. What's got into me that I was thinking to end my own life for just a man? That made me thinking that: if an ordinary person like me, could give so much love like that... how EXTREME would be the love of my Heavenly Father for a sinner like me? And after realizing what just happen, I felt that all of my hair in my body was standing with fear and shame. If I continue on what I was trying to do, how will I be able to stand on His presence?

My friends, feel this. I know you've been in love so much and probably you are now. If you can love so much and will do anything for that love, how much more does His love for you? If you can't stop loving and keep on forgiving that special someone no matter how he/she keeps hurting you, much more Him. That no matter how many times we have disappointed God, He still hanging there to love and just waiting for us to beg for His forgiveness. If parents can endure their children, no matter how ungrateful they may be. Parents can't stop loving their children. And even their children ran away from their homes and forgot that they have a mother and a father, then one day they realized how much they have wronged and hurt they parents and decided to come home, parents will accept their children wholeheartedly. If parents can do that, how about God? He's just there. No matter how much we have sinned. No matter how many times we have wronged Him. No matter how ungrateful we can be that we have forgotten Him. But still He's just there. He keeps knocking on our hearts. Waiting for us to remember Him and love Him again. His love never ends. Why we love on the first place? We love because God has loves us first.

I really do hope, you can feel how much He keeps on loving you. He loves you so much. We are unworthy, but He loves us anyway. We are so unworthy but God called us to be His children. So never lose hope my friend. If you are thinking to end your life, stop! No matter how painful you are dealing now, hang in there! You will never suffer for long because you are not alone. We have to stay alive to see how our story ends. Stay alive. Keep the faith. Just believe. :)

UPDATE:
When I finally realized how much the Lord has loved me from the very beginning, I moved on. And when my ex has realized that I no longer need him in my life, he tried to get me back but I already refuse. God's love made me realized I deserve better. I started to love myself and have now confident to be just me. Now both of us have a new family. God has blessed me with a loving and a faithful husband. I have two adorable babies. My husband and I serve the Lord in our own ways. :)